Dear reader,

This morning I woke up emotionally drained. I talked with my mom on the phone about my night, then my therapist, and now I’m waiting for another call from my husband. I’ve been talking all morning which usually makes things all better, but not today. My daughter has been smiling and wiggling all morning so I’m glad it’s not rubbing off on her, but I think I need to try and find a moment for myself.

When I talk self care with my therapist, it usually includes going for a walk, eating healthy, drinking water. Those are all great but below is the reality of my self care list:

-Nap

-Nap some more

-Netflix so I don’t have to think until I’m ready.

-Tea and foods that makes me happy. Today that will be cupcakes from a local bakery.

-Possibly a walk.

-Self isolation. Which can be beneficial or detrimental, got to be careful with that one.

-Snuggles. With the cat, baby, or husband. 

-Down time.

Essentially I do everything someone with a cold would do. I’d like to tell you what is going on. The over sharer in me would love to do what it does best, but for now I think it’s best to wait. For now, the stressor I’m willing to share, is from last night. Just a small moment, a comment, but a comment that had a big impact.

The comment was – “I’ve just got to finish this email and then I’ll be right there”.

I’ve heard those words before. Those words suck. Those words mean that the email is more important than me. Lots of hours that could of been spent with me, we’re spent on emails. Email to other people who I now deemed more important than me. Work emails that were so important I began to hate, it’s a strong word, but hate the fundraiser that had more importance than me. I used to hear those words as a child and didn’t understand how an email could be so important. As an adult, I’m pissed that the email was so important. Last night my daughter was told those words while trying to get attention. Luckily she’s 9 months old so she doesn’t understand, but I did. I felt those words all the way down in my stomach. I thought the feeling would go away but this morning it’s still there. Like food poisoning, my stomach just will not settle.

I feel like there are things I need to clarify above, but I also think I don’t need to explain any further. This was my experience, my trauma, my life. I get to experience it and explain it as I see fit. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to you, but to me it was a whole lot of hurt. I’m worried I’ll hurt someone’s feelings by sharing this. I’m frustrated that I’m worried about hurting someones feelings even though they hurt mine. That doesn’t seem fair. As you can tell, I’ve got some things to process, but that’s ok.

So, for the rest of today I’m going to try some self care. Go to work and be with friends, get some cupcakes that make a sad stomach happier, and lot of snuggles with the kiddo and cat.

Dear reader, thank you for listening. Apparently talking some more did help.