I haven’t ever made resolutions. My main reason is the fear of failure. If you don’t ever start something, you can’t fail at it. This applied to my school work in high school, sports, a lot more things than I would care to admit right now. For the last couple of years I’ve gotten a lot better at starting things I usually would of avoided, so this year I decided I would do a resolution.

Resolution: Build boundaries and stand by them.

Small or big.

For strangers or people very close to me.

My resolution is based off of something I think I’m already doing fairly well at, but I know their is room for improvement. Better boundaries so myself and others around me can feel comfortable.

There are a couple other things I’d like to add to my resolution list…

– Telling customers to put their mask on and not saying sorry when asking. I’m not sorry, so why would I say that.

– Mental health days. They are valid, they are needed and I will normalize them for my daughter. I’ve got to.

– Holidays. I want to spend every single one with every single family member and that doesn’t always work out. There are traditions from my childhood that just don’t work anymore and it’s ok to let those go.

– Less shopping… Insert a gigantic eye roll here. Lately I noticed that shopping has become a little bit of a self soothing mechanism and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of an addiction. Don’t worry, I’m talking to my therapist about it. More eye rolls. Also, don’t worry, I’ll make a blog post about it and over share later.

– More blog posts. This will not be a project I start and never finish. Wait, I hope it’s just that. I don’t want my blogging to have an end date.

Big resolutions and goals for this year. I figured I would base them off of things I’m already doing just a bit but hopefully I’ll get better at them.

Anyway, happy new year and thanks for reading ❤

Dear reader,

This morning I woke up emotionally drained. I talked with my mom on the phone about my night, then my therapist, and now I’m waiting for another call from my husband. I’ve been talking all morning which usually makes things all better, but not today. My daughter has been smiling and wiggling all morning so I’m glad it’s not rubbing off on her, but I think I need to try and find a moment for myself.

When I talk self care with my therapist, it usually includes going for a walk, eating healthy, drinking water. Those are all great but below is the reality of my self care list:

-Nap

-Nap some more

-Netflix so I don’t have to think until I’m ready.

-Tea and foods that makes me happy. Today that will be cupcakes from a local bakery.

-Possibly a walk.

-Self isolation. Which can be beneficial or detrimental, got to be careful with that one.

-Snuggles. With the cat, baby, or husband. 

-Down time.

Essentially I do everything someone with a cold would do. I’d like to tell you what is going on. The over sharer in me would love to do what it does best, but for now I think it’s best to wait. For now, the stressor I’m willing to share, is from last night. Just a small moment, a comment, but a comment that had a big impact.

The comment was – “I’ve just got to finish this email and then I’ll be right there”.

I’ve heard those words before. Those words suck. Those words mean that the email is more important than me. Lots of hours that could of been spent with me, we’re spent on emails. Email to other people who I now deemed more important than me. Work emails that were so important I began to hate, it’s a strong word, but hate the fundraiser that had more importance than me. I used to hear those words as a child and didn’t understand how an email could be so important. As an adult, I’m pissed that the email was so important. Last night my daughter was told those words while trying to get attention. Luckily she’s 9 months old so she doesn’t understand, but I did. I felt those words all the way down in my stomach. I thought the feeling would go away but this morning it’s still there. Like food poisoning, my stomach just will not settle.

I feel like there are things I need to clarify above, but I also think I don’t need to explain any further. This was my experience, my trauma, my life. I get to experience it and explain it as I see fit. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to you, but to me it was a whole lot of hurt. I’m worried I’ll hurt someone’s feelings by sharing this. I’m frustrated that I’m worried about hurting someones feelings even though they hurt mine. That doesn’t seem fair. As you can tell, I’ve got some things to process, but that’s ok.

So, for the rest of today I’m going to try some self care. Go to work and be with friends, get some cupcakes that make a sad stomach happier, and lot of snuggles with the kiddo and cat.

Dear reader, thank you for listening. Apparently talking some more did help.

For the last couple days I’ve come up short with what to write. I keep trying to think of something scary or highly personal, or some thing with lots of feels, but all I want to do is write about something happy. Every time I pull out my phone to write something I can’t help but think that nobody would want to read that. It feels like… bragging? This is probably my own personal overthinking happening, but isn’t it funny how that one thought can stop you from doing something. Instead of just telling you I’m happy, I somehow managed to over think the whole thing! I’d still like to share with you, so here are the moments this week that have made me happy.

• I used the Roomba this week and it made me happy. Not only does it clean my house but it gives Carmen and I a special moment together. See, she’s terrified of the damn thing. Every time I turn the Roomba on she comes crawling and crying to me as fast as she possibly can. She doesn’t really ask for ups all that often but when the rumba is running she can’t get her feet off the ground fast enough. It is so special to feel needed and to be the person that she runs to when she’s scared. We sit on the couch and watch the rumba do it’s thing. I drink my tea, and she clings to me for dear life leaning over once and a while to check where the Roomba is at.

•My husband and I are putting together a Bicycle event. This makes me happy. He’s using my idea and it’s it makes him happy. It will be a Halloween themed bike ride with the goal of getting people to do tricks in their costumes. I love putting events together. I’ve only done a couple for myself and helped with some at work but the planning and organizing makes my over thinking brain happy. It’s also damn scary. What if it turns out bad and people end up having a really sucky time? Or what if someone hurts themselves? Or worse, no one comes in costume. Also I tend to have this issue of dreaming up a cool idea and being disappointed when it isn’t executed the exact way that I imagined. Either way it’ll still be very fun.

• For our family day we went out to an empty reservoir and let the dogs run around. They loved it. I was able to get a video of Carmen holding her dad‘s hand and walking a couple of steps. She’s making so much progress so fast. Watching my husband beam down at her because he was so proud of her taking those steps made me feel so certain that motherhood is worth all the sleepless nights.

• It feels like Halloween is tomorrow. Which means the rest of the holidays are the following week and I am so excited for all of them. I’m really looking forward to Halloween and getting to dress my baby up and making the house all spooky. It is everything I wanted to do the last couple years and now I finally get to. My husband isn’t quite as excited as I am, but he can suck it. Little Christmas dresses, Christmas stockings, having her try thanksgiving dinner, it all sounds so fun. I can’t wait for all of it.

These are a couple things that made me smile this week. Somehow it’s easier for me to write my scary feelings down rather than share the happy ones, but it is just as important. Just as valid. I hope I get to hear about some of your happy moments, dear reader. I’m sure they will also make me smile.

Let’s start with a brief introduction, shall we? If you’ve recently met me outside of the interwebs you probably know me as a new mother and an over sharer. I like labels, they help me organize all the pieces that make me, me. At home I am a mother, to others a POC, a crazy cat lady, or Work Frankie.

Work Frankie is a self given label, and maybe a persona? She’s all that I am, but tidy. She’s kind, she knows everything about bikes (that is the most important part of doing your job, is being the expert), she’s trustworthy, and she’s stern. Are you asking for a discount just because you’d like one? I will not give you one. Did we have a really good connection, and we both over shared while I sold you something? I will give you a discount. Shh, don’t tell my employer.

Here is a quick side thought about Work Frankie. It may be a little sad but in the spirit of over sharing, here we go! Work Frankie is as white as she possibly can be. As a female working in a predominantly male work place, I constantly have to prove myself. As a POC, I have to prove myself. As both, there is only so much I can do to make others comfortable around me in such a short amount of time. The more approachable I am, the better my sales. White is approachable, white is friendly, white is educated.

Interestingly, since becoming a mother the need for Work Frankie has gone down and “mamma” has emerged. She is stronger than strong, more patient than Work Frankie, and accepting of who she is. She wakes up a mess and it’s ok because she has a baby. Mamma can go to work with hair that was only brushed and not straightened because she has a baby. People love a mother. A mother is kind, she is approachable, and she is friendly, all the things that make a good sales person. Overall I think this shows more about what I think of myself more than anything else, but I’m happy as Mamma and that is the important bit.

Outside of work, the over sharing continues. With my friends, with my husband, my mother (who is now the best grandmother a little girl could have). It feels good to share something. Gift giving is hard for me, what if they don’t like the gift? What if it doesn’t fit? What if it breaks and they have to throw it away. A secret, a funny story, a bit of gossip, these create a feeling and I think feelings are much harder to throw away.

I want to start this blog as a way for me to over share with even more people. Maybe you, dear reader will over share with me, I would love that. I know this isn’t the juiciest first post, but don’t worry we’ll get there. It’s so fun to share work gossip, dreams (my husband and mother hate when I share my dreams, I over share), sex, my child’s growth, and how I think she is probably the most superior baby out there. I will get to that, don’t you worry. For now this was my attempt at a brief introduction.